How to Make a Camper Happy

You know how some people are all outdoorsy and love camping and can rustle up four course meals in the wilderness, meals that proudly represent every food group?

I am not one of those people.

In some ways I WISH I was. I mean. I don't covet the "I'm such a Princess, I must have a hotel room or at least a cabin with running water, five appliance, wireless connection and, oh, okay forget the cabin, I want someone else to cook and clean for me, let's drive straight to a hotel with at least four stars"- label.

I admire people who strap backpacks on their backs and hike into the mountains for a week and sleep under the stars, listening to the howls of wolves, eating wild berries and being at one with nature. But I would lie awake, thinking how much I hate the noise and the cold. And every buzz of an insect would keep me awake and remind me how uncomfortable my back was. And I'd wonder if anything exciting was happening in virtual writer land.

So. I never pretended to be a camper. I went along with the program when hubby bought a camper van. I gritted my teeth and slept in it so that Superson could experience camping. It's good for him, I thought. Family bonding.

But my hubby tends to get carried away. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice hubby, but sometimes we tend to have different conversations at the very same time.

After year #3 in the camper van.

Me: I am DONE with the camping in this thing.

Hub: Okay. I'll park it on the mountain lot I bought us, eight hours from home where I want to build a cabin. And you can help!

Me: Do you remember when we got married and I told you I hated yardwork? That I never wanted a house when I was single, because I didn't want the hassle of a yard? Did I mention that I don't like renovating things either?

Hub: (busy designing cabin blueprints and hiring framers and roofers)

Me: So. What are we doing for holidays this year?

Hub: We're going to go to the mountains to work on the cabin!! Let's stay at our site to save money! The campervan is there, or we can tent inside the framed cabin that still has no windows and is like sleeping in the great outdoors!

Me: I really hate tenting.

Him: Okay! Great Idea! Let's stay in the tent!

Me: Tents make me really claustrophobic. I can't sleep in them.

Hub: Okay! Let's sleep int the tent for a whole week! With no showers! And a porta potty! It's going to be great.

So the first night, I lay awake until about 4am. Sleep for maybe two hours and wake up to pouring rain!! Cold rain! Soaking through everything rain!

Yay! Let's work in the rain!!

The rain eventually stops. I have the special job of burning fire wood and cleaning up the construction area, which, call me a bad person, makes me really mad because I feel like I'm cleaning up after the hub AGAIN. Or mabye, still. His idea of working is to throw his garbage and wood scraps on the floor. Which I then clean.

Hub is a hard worker, don't get me wrong. He works very, very hard, but he does it in messy fashion. And my job is to clean up after him. Grr. I haven't slept much. I hate tents. It has been raining. I am dirty. I smell. I don't like camping. I don't like renovating. I am not a happy camper.

And so we persist. My temper tantrums come and go. Some nights the temperature drops so low that we actually SHAKE in our sleeping bags. Coyotes howl. Bears prowl. Mosquitoes buzz in my ear, when I am just about asleep.

But Superson catches snails. Let's them crawl all over his arms. Spots snakes. Picks up leeches. Helps build fires. Spots minnows in the lake. Tries to catch fish with a net. Runs after butterflies. He is happy so it is kind of worth it.

On the last night when I want to go home sooooo badly I am regressing to ten year old behavior, Superson gets a HORRIBLE dose of swimmers itch. Rashes all over his body. Itchy, uncomfortable. I am forced to be an adult.

Later I fetch my laptop from the car so we can try to watch a movie, the laptop I brought along hoping to find wireless somewhere in the wilds, but haven't been able to find. The laptop I haven't turned on for a whole week. And when it's on, I see magic! Internet connection.

I am on the side of the mountain and I am picking up someone else's wireless and suddenly it all doesn't seem so bad. I am still smelly. Grouchy and haven't slept properly in over a week. But I surf the Internet for an hour until my battery runs out, and suddenly I am human again.